What to Say or Not to Say

I’ve been there.  The person looking for words to tell someone who is going through a hard time.  It’s tough, for both of you.  There will never be the right words to say during a loss; a miscarriage, loosing a child, or any loss.

When you need something to say

If you have a friend or family member that you know has a miscarriage, don’t shy away because you don’t know what to say. They need support. They need encouragement. Please reach out to them. If they don’t want to talk, that’s ok. They still need to know you’re there for them. If they don’t want to talk, don’t push them.  If they seem defensive, just understand that it’s not personal against you.

Suggestions of what TO say…

• I’m praying for you. Don’t just say it though. Stop what you’re doing and pray for them. For peach and comfort. If you want to be specific you can say, “today I’m asking God to wrap his arms around you and cover you in comfort and love.” That’s a great way to let them know you truly are praying.
• Can I help you?  Sometimes walking the dog, taking the trash out, or doing a load of laundry might just be impossible for them, but it would be a simple way for you to help out. Depending on what might have happened, there could be a chance that someone isn’t able to lift or move as usual, so they might need a little extra help.
• Food. It’s easy to make a little extra dinner and then bring a plate over. It’s easy to pick up a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store and drop it off.
• I’m sorry. This is simple.  And it’s true (unless you’re just heartless).  But just sharing that you are mourning with them is thoughtful.
• I know what you’re going through. I didn’t know that so many people had also had miscarriages.  Other people sharing their stories, their triumphs, how they dealt with the situation, etc really helped.  It’s also nice to know that someone understands and that I’m not alone.

What NOT to say

• Nothing. It doesn’t need to be the elephant in the room.  Even if they’ve said they don’t want to talk about it…say something.  
• Sorry your baby died. Just stick with the sorry part.  The rest of that statement is too real and a little morbid.  Not what anyone needs to hear.
• It’s probably better that way. Um, what? NO WAY!  This is the worst thing I’ve been told about the miscarriage.  The person then went on the describe that the baby obviously had something wrong with it and that wouldn’t be something that we would want to deal with.  CRAZY!  It’s never better when a child dies.  Trials might have come but I would have loved and cared for my little one, no matter what.  Yes, there’s a reason and we don’t know what it was.  But even if we had a special needs child, we wouldn’t consider he/she as a burden but a blessing.
• Are you trying again? Yes we want more children.  We haven’t kept that a secret.  But not everyone is as sure as we are.  It is scary to think about the possibility that this could happen again.  SCARY!!!! This is also something that we talked to my doctor about, but not something everyone is comfortable with discussing.

To sum this up…

• Be supportive, helpful, kind, and loving.
• Be sincere.
• Be sensitive to their physical and emotional state.
•  Don’t be a jerk.
• Give them the space they need to heal, but don’t let them feel alone.