Telling the world that you’re pregnant is so exciting! I never thought that I would be untelling people just days/weeks later. Now people still congratulate our family and then someone has to tell them I’m not pregnant anymore. Would I change the fact that we told everyone?!? NO WAY! If I wouldn’t have shared my excitement I would be alone in this grief. Alone?!? Right now….that would be horrible! So for those of you wondering, here’s what happened.
On Mother’s Day (which was also my 28 birthday) rolled around, I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I’d made this little plan to pee on a stick. Yes, I took a pregnancy test and a positive quickly showed up. I knew straight away that it was accurate. As well as just having that feeling that something incredible is about to happen to your body, my friend told me that a similar test that she took from Countrywide Testing, (https://www.countrywidetesting.com/collections/pregnancy-and-ovulation) has been accurate for her with all of her pregnancies. All five of them. So, I just knew that this was right. We were finally going to be parents. We were bouncing up and down. What a great day to celebrate.
We went to church, had lunch with friends, and kept our little secret until we could confirm at the doctor. Monday rolls around and I had blood work done. All levels are great….pregnant!!!!
We had an ultrasound and everything was good but it was early and the heartbeat was low. My doctor said that it was probably normal but we’d recheck in 2 weeks. So 2 weeks later, a beautiful little gummy bear dancing on an ultra sound machine with a beautiful heartbeat. Everything was good. It never dawned on me that this was something that we could loose. I was puking and sensitive to smells and really exhausted.
Tuesday we looked at some houses and I came home to put our toddler down for a nap and I felt weird. I called my doctor and the nurse said all the symptoms were normal that I needed to drink more water and rest. So I took a nap and drank a ton of water.
The week passed and everything seemed ok. I had noticed I wasn’t as sick but every pregnancy is different. Or so I’m told. So I really was just hoping that was it.
Friday, we looked at more houses and we liked 2 of them!!!! We were so excited. Came home and I felt like something wasn’t right. I called the nurse and she said my doctor was out and I could see the nurse practitioner. I rushed over. And waited.
I waited and prayed over a verse we discussed at a moms meeting for church the night before. “My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness.”
They couldn’t find a heartbeat through my belly. But it was early and let’s be real….there’s still some extra weight there from having Nate. So I went to ultrasound. Quickly the cutest little gummy bear came up on the screen. I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t see any flickering. The nurse was somber. I asked about the heart and she said “hang on one second”. She was measuring. And probably collecting her thoughts. She confirmed the lack of heartbeat and said the baby measured smaller than 12 weeks.
I then sat alone in the ultrasound room. Wrapped in a paper sheet. I didn’t want to cry loudly as I feared other mamas would hear me as they celebrated with their own ultrasounds. I cried and somewhat held it together. I called J and explained. He was determined to come get me but I wanted to be alone. I had to go back to talk to the doctor and she explained everything and what would happen next.
The ultrasound tech, the nurse, and the nurse practitioner all spoke to me about God. It was so nice for them to not be worried about being politically correct and speak truth to me.
I drove home after an ugly cry in the parking lot. When I turned onto our street, I could see a handsome man and a strawberry blonde cutie waiting on the porch for me. I smiled. God is so good. All the time. I cannot deny that. He told us that we would suffer. But I don’t feel I can really complain.
For lack of better words, this sucks. It does. And I’ve made up lies in my head….this isn’t as bad as what so and so went through, at least I have a baby, this could be worse, etc. But my hurt doesn’t take away from others. It’s still my hurt and we are allowed to be sad. We are allowed to be angry and confused. We don’t know what God has in store for us and we trust him. We know His plan is better. But we are human, he created us with emotions and I’m sure he (of all people) understands loosing a child. Now Baby Rab 2 is wrapped in the arms of our creator. Never knowing any pain or suffering. There is no question in my mind that my child is in Jesus’s arms. I prayed for comfort and some sort of peace through all of this and I’m so thankful for all of the friends and family that have reached out to me. There’s no way for us to know what happened or why, they can’t find a reason.
I spent 2 days searching for information on what was to happen next. There was no real answer besides WebMD telling me something horrible. Now I know why I couldn’t find anything. There’s no way to put into words the heartache or the physical pain that follows. I did need to have a d&c. It truly wasn’t as bad as I thought and I was just glad to know that everything was complete and over. It was some sort of closure.
I’m pretty sure there will never be a time that I don’t think about this child. I’m so thankful for the little one that I do have as I cannot imagine going through this before having him. My husband has been a rock. My family and friends have been so supportive. The amount of prayers and love that we’ve received is nothing short of amazing.
But here’s our family ALL 4 of us, when everything was perfect.
Photo by Taylor J Photography